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California KFC Cleared: Genetic Test Reveals "Rat" Found In Meal Nothing More Than Rat-Shaped Fried Chicken Bits

California KFC Cleared: Genetic Test Reveals

However, an image of the Virgin Mary found in a slice of burnt Texas Toast in a New Mexico Applebee's still causing lame to walk, deaf to hear, blind to see at alarming rate.

CALIFORNIA-A genetic test commissioned by KFC (famous for its Kentucky fried chicken) confirmed, just because it's shaped like a deep fried dead rat, smells like a deep fried dead rat and lays on your paper covered plastic tray like a deep

Utah Lawmakers Pass Bill to Bring Back Firing Squads as Option to Lethal Injections

Utah Lawmakers Pass Bill to Bring Back Firing Squads as Option to Lethal Injections

In a Related Story, Florida Considers Retiring Death by Electric Chair Because Throwing Stones Is So Much Cheaper

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Utah lawmakers passed a bill to bring back firing squads as a death penalty option. There is no word whether Utah Governor Gary Herbert will sign the measure, although his office has publicly said it’s always good to have a backup plan when it’s time to kill people.

However, not everyone in Utah's senate

Twitter Triples Size Of Abuse Focused Support Staff To Combat Twitter Harassment

Twitter Triples Size Of Abuse Focused Support Staff To Combat Twitter Harassment

CEO Says Reliance On Civility, Humanity And Golden Rule Not Working Out As Well As Hoped

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Twitter CEO, Dick Costolo, announced his company tripled the size of its harassment combatant teams.

“Twitter is basically a great big message board,” said Costolo. “And like any message board you got your douchebags who think it’s funny to say mean things to other people. Well, there’s a new sheriff in town … and it’s me. I’m

Scientists Take New Look At Previously Debunked “Dormant Gay Gene” Theory

Scientists Take New Look At Previously Debunked “Dormant Gay Gene” Theory

During American Government Class, Mrs. Jenkins Fifth Grade Girls Watch Speaker Boehner Make "Kissy Faces" On C-SPAN--Girls Immediately Experience Overwhelming Urges To Play Golf, Put On Flannel And Throw Up In Their Mouths A Little

WASHINGTON, DC—Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, John Boehner, surprised a room full of reporters when he puckered his lips and made kissy face noises during a press conference several days ago.

“Blowing kisses, c’mon.” said one reporter. “No

Little Caesars Unveils Latest Culinary Invention: Pizza Wrapped In Three And One Half Feet Of Crispy Bacon Crust

Little Caesars Unveils Latest Culinary Invention: Pizza Wrapped In Three And One Half Feet Of Crispy Bacon Crust

Encouraged By The Announcement, Millions Of Really Fat People Decide To Start Diets Next Month ... Or Month After ... Or Month After That

DETROIT, MI--This week, bacon enthusiasts lauded the announcement of Little Caesar's newest culinary invention: bacon wrapped pizza. Little Caesars Pizza President and CEO, David Scrivano, explained the invention in a mishmash of marketing gobbledygook and corporate drone speak:

"The Bacon Wrapped Crust DEEP!DEEP! Dish is another example of how we're continuing to innovate

Soccer Mom Tells Friends She Never Had A Vaccination And Never Will--Same Goes For Her Kids

Soccer Mom Tells Friends She Never Had A Vaccination And Never Will--Same Goes For Her Kids

"You Gals Go Ahead And Get Your Vaccinations. I'd Rather Catch Polio, Measles Or the Clap. Wait, Can You Get Clap Twice?"

MARIN COUNTY, CA--Marnie T. Chesterson believes vaccines kill people. Yesterday, while her child played at a popular indoor playground at a fast food restaurant close to her home, she expressed her views to the six other mothers around her.

"It's like, you want the best for yourself. And part of that is

Eastwood And Duvall Square Off In Dolby Theater Foyer During Oscars To Fight For Title Of "Toughest Sumbitch Ever"

Eastwood And Duvall Square Off In Dolby Theater Foyer During Oscars To Fight For Title Of

Initial Reports Of Fight Incorrect--Pair Actually On Way To Men's Room Together After Drinking Fill Of Complimentary Appletinis

LOS ANGELES, CA--Attendees of the 2015 Oscars feared something like this might happen, but it didn't.

"I was standing close to the door so I could rush in and grab a seat in the front middle as soon as the doors opened," said Mark Ruffalo. "Next thing I hear someone shout 'WorldStarHipHop!' and there's a mad rush

Star Of "American Sniper"--Bradley Cooper's Beard--Favorite To Win Oscar

Star Of

Beard Already Preparing For Next Hollywood Role As Wife Of Tom Cruise

HOLLYWOOD, CA--The star of the popular movie "American Sniper", Bradley Cooper's beard, may be a surprise contender in this year's Academy Awards. 

According to inside sources, Bradley Cooper's beard is honored just to be considered alongside talented actors like Michael Keaton and Eddie Redmayne.

"Hollywood is tough," said the beard. "Before landing the role, I worked as an Armenian woman's uni-brow and went

Nike Launches New Sneaker Aimed At Brooklyn, Tri-State Tough Girl Market

Nike Launches New Sneaker Aimed At Brooklyn, Tri-State Tough Girl Market

"Just Do It" Slogan Changed To "Hey! C'mon Ovah Theh 'N Jus Do It Ahreddy! Oh! Oh! Oh! He Did It! He Did It! Didge Yous See Dat? Oh My Gawwwd. His Pouwah Mutha."

VIETNAM, CHINA, INDONESIA--Today, Nike unveiled the prototype of its latest casual sneaker targeted exclusively at Brooklyn/Tri-State tough girls. The sneaker, all white and modeled after 1982 Reebok Freestyle high tops, is set to hit stores in time for Neil Diamond's

Monster Under Bed Moves To Hall Closet, Cites Kid's Excessive Nighttime Farting

Monster Under Bed Moves To Hall Closet, Cites Kid's Excessive Nighttime Farting

Kid Assumed Either Lactose Intolerant Or Rotting Inside

ABBOTTSVILLE,PA--Today, seven foot tall orange-haired monster Bullthunder J. Karackas moved out from under the bed of nine year old Jesse E. Gilman and into the hall closet.

"I don't know what Jesse's parents are feeding him lately, possibly cabbage and broccoli soup," said Karackas. "All I know is I wake up in the middle of the night coughing and gasping for air because the kid is farting

Film Critic Watching "Fifty Shades Of Grey" With Studded Belt Cinched Around Neck While Strapped To Bondage Cross Dies--Of Boredom

Film Critic Watching

Discovered With More Stiff Body Parts Than Usual

MALIBU, CA--Yesterday, a wealthy, sexually active elderly film critic, in the midst of an autoerotic escapade while watching a copy of the movie "Fifty Shades Of Grey" in his living room, died of boredom.

Paramedics entered the home of George A. Judge after responding to a 911 called placed by a maid. "It was horrible," said maid Lanna T. Valdega. "I'd seen Mr. Judge naked and strapped

After Sex Change, Bruce Jenner To Produce and Host New Travel Show: "Bruce Jenner Abroad"

After Sex Change, Bruce Jenner To Produce and Host New Travel Show:

Refuses To Let Family, Media Or Testicles Hang In Way

LOS ANGELES, CA--Bruce Jenner and his agent are shopping around the concept of a show featuring Bruce travelling around the globe eating in five star restaurants and staying in five star resorts.

The show would begin shooting after Bruce completes the transformation from male to female and is tentatively titled "Bruce Jenner Abroad".

So far, NBC, The Travel Channel and OWN have shown interest.

 

As Elections Loom, Woman Reminds Man Women Have The Right To Vote And Are Equal To Men

As Elections Loom, Woman Reminds Man Women Have The Right To Vote And Are Equal To Men

Man Reminds Woman He's Watching SportsCenter And To Shut The Hell Up

JERSEY CITY, NJ--Sixty-one year old Cathy R. Pinelli is passionate about women's rights. Her sixty-four year old husband, Bill, is just as passionate about sports.

Cathy spoke enthusiastically about the future of women in the United States and the gap between men and women. "I feel like he [Bill] and a lot of men just don't get it," said Cathy. "Sure women have come

Man Addicted To Funding Kickstarter Projects Bankrupts Family, Moves Them Into Storage Unit

Man Addicted To Funding Kickstarter Projects Bankrupts Family, Moves Them Into Storage Unit

Man Psychologically Compelled To Be Wind Beneath Wings Of Strangers

TOLEDO, OH--Yesterday morning, Jimmy W. Gilhurst filed for chapter 13 bankruptcy. In the afternoon, he moved his family of five out of their two-story suburban home and into a 10x10 ft. U-Store-It storage unit. Gilhurst, previously a systems analyst for a large tech firm, is addicted to funding projects through Kickstarter.

"It takes guts to publicly ask people for money to fund your dreams," said

Question: Kanye West Officially Head Of, And Possibly Host Of, Next Year's Grammys?

Question: Kanye West Officially Head Of, And Possibly Host Of, Next Year's Grammys?

Cutthroat Industry Respects Willingness To Confront Women, Smaller Men

LOS ANGELES, CA--In a calculated move, today the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences (NARAS) issued a statement via press release announcing Kanye West as head of the NARAS and chairman of the Grammys award show.

"The show [Grammys] had its lowest ratings in years," said Ronald F. Schwartzen. "In fact, according to real-time group monitoring analytics, the only exciting event was the almost confrontation between Kanye and

Teenage Mother Gets Used XBOX 360 For Toddler Son And Preschooler Daughter

Teenage Mother Gets Used XBOX 360 For Toddler Son And Preschooler Daughter

Young Mother Says Best Deal She Ever Made

BATON ROUGE, LA--Yesterday a teenage mother exchanged her two children for an XBOX 360.

"Dalton, my baby son's father, has been wanting an XBOX forever," said Nancy W. Taggart, teenage mother. "I really wanted to show him how much I love him. Plus, he never really liked my baby girl anyway."

Taggart made the deal at Dale And Son's Thrifty Pawn on the corner of Dalwort

Feb 10 Declared National "More Miserable Than Usual Day" By Daily Show, Jon Stewart Fans

Feb 10 Declared National

His Intelligent Insights Will Be Missed. His Jokes ... Eh, Not So Much (Or Is It The Other Way Around?)

NEW YORK CITY--Today fans of the Daily Show are more miserable than usual. News that Daily Show host, Jon Stewart, would step down sometime later this year hit hard--and left a mark.

"Could not have come at a worser time," said Luke James Brannigan, fan of the show. "Reckon we had sixteen glorious years of

HGH, Steroid User Admits Having Gorilla Sized Head Part of the Allure

HGH, Steroid User Admits Having Gorilla Sized Head Part of the Allure

Pillow Makers Poised To Launch Supersized Line Of Pillows To Meet Demand Of Growing Supersized Head Market

JERSEY CITY, NEW JERSEY -- The combination of anabolic steroids with Human Growth Hormone (HGH) offers numerous benefits, says one HGH/Steroid user, but one of the most alluring results of habitual abuse is a huge, gorilla sized head.

"It ain't no secret that persons with bigger heads is assumed to be way smarter than other people with smallish

Survey: Five Out Of Six Progressive Media Personalities Admit To Fantasizing About Sarah Palin

Survey: Five Out Of Six Progressive Media Personalities Admit To Fantasizing About Sarah Palin

Palin Still Fanning The Flames, Lighting Fires

WASHINGTON, DC -- A recently made up survey revealed five out of six top progressive media personalities regularly fantasize to photos of Sarah Palin.

    1. "Yeah, I've done it. A few times, in fact. The psychological heat generated from slamming together our very different ideological perspectives over and over again is hot." -Rachel Maddow
    2. "A fine piece of a__ is a fine piece of a__." -Al Sharpton

Brian Williams Admits Story About Losing Penis After Diving On Grenade During Korean War To Save Lives of Hawkeye, Trapper John And Hot Lips Not True

Brian Williams Admits Story About Losing Penis After Diving On Grenade During Korean War To Save Lives of Hawkeye, Trapper John And Hot Lips Not True

Inaccurate Wikipedia Paragraph And Williams' Diary Detailing Heroic Incident To Be Revised

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Television news anchor Brian Williams admitted today that his penis was not blown off after diving on a grenade to save the lives of Hawkeye, Trapper John and Hot Lips during the Korean War.

"Listen, as a journalist, you're accustomed to spinning the truth from time to time to make a story more exciting, to generate ratings," said Williams.

Fifty Shades Of Yellow: Cats With Urinary Tract Infections Rescue Struggling Manufacturers Of Goldenrod, Jonquil And Arylide Colored Carpet

Fifty Shades Of Yellow: Cats With Urinary Tract Infections Rescue Struggling Manufacturers Of Goldenrod, Jonquil And Arylide Colored Carpet

JAKARTA, INDONESIA -- Manufacturers of yellow carpet have seen sharp upticks in sales in recent months due to a new marketing strategy.

Since 1979, the unusually colored carpet industry faced declining profits as hardwood, linoleum and sand became the flooring of choice for wealthy sheikhs and aging hippies worldwide.

"We understood it is not 1974 anymore. Unusually colored carpeting is no longer trendy," said Shareef Kumar, industry thought leader. "Thus it became important for unusually

MMA Fighter Collapses Minutes After Winning Unanimous Decision In Grueling Five Round Contest

MMA Fighter Collapses Minutes After Winning Unanimous Decision In Grueling Five Round Contest

LAS VEGAS, NV--Minutes after winning the decision in a grueling five round contest the world's greatest MMA fighter collapsed.

Certified Public Accountant Morton Stilts, who watched the fight from ringside, said the reaction was not unexpected.

"This was a huge win with a huge purse of $800,000", said Stilts. "Right after he won the decision, I went over and told him once the government and his managers take their cuts, and of course I subtract